Is there anything Pat Cummins can’t do? Okay, so he hasn’t been offered the throne of Albania yet, and we currently have no evidence that he can go from a stationary position to standing on the chimney – but then CB Fry doesn’t probably wouldn’t have been very helpful on the farm either.
Let’s look at the evidence. Over the past month or so, Cummins has: Led Australia to a famous Test Series victory in his long-awaited return to Pakistan, where his ability to throw 90mph Reverse Oscillation Bombs has transcended some of the toughest surfaces. more inhospitable this side of Mars; flipped at the IPL and opened a whup-ass box with the bat, smoking the fastest fifty joint in tournament history; and solved the climate emergency (okay, maybe that’s an exaggeration – but it is I’m working on it.
Of course, if you have anything like the same corroded worldview as the Light Roller, instinctively your first response is deep, deep suspicion. How does this chiseled blue-eyed boy, one of the best fast bowlers in the world and the rare Australian captain who wouldn’t deliberately offend your grandmother, not to mention a UNICEF ambassador, business graduate, sportsman with a statesman mine, versatile good egg – how did he get all these gifts without doing something evil in return?
And that’s when you realize. He absolutely must did something evil in return. Perhaps that missing fingertip was not just the result of a childhood accident – perfectly plausible cover story – but the initial installment on Pat’s Faustian pact.
The signs were there, of course, if only we could see past the alluring smile and immaculate length. Daniel Sams knows it – just look at his face after he was set on fire by Cummins the other night; you can actually identify the moment when her heart is torn in two. Justin Langer, meanwhile, has struggled through his entire contract feud with CA. And who was the first to post a video of Alex Carey stepping into a swimming pool while in Pakistan? Yes, lovely Patty C.
(We’re not suggesting it had anything to do with “Sandpapergate,” by the way. It was clearly the work of some real evil genius. Or Cameron Bancroft.)
“The greatest trick the devil ever used was to convince the world he didn’t exist.” So said Charles Baudelaire, the 19th century French poet who had a good flair for something fishy – and he would undoubtedly have been right here. Basically, folks, it’s important not to get suckered into the story. From now on, look at it this way: Every act of gold-plated, thrilling, sparkling joy Cummins produces, on or off the cricket pitch, is 100% irrefutable proof of his agreement with Satan. .
Let’s take a moment to warm our hands in front of the dumpster fire that is English Test cricket. Lo and behold, it turns out that sacking the management (but not the captain) and shutting out your two biggest fast bowlers wasn’t a recipe for success in the Caribbean after all – although Joe Root at least came up with a new version. of their last defeat of the series, saying his team played “brilliant cricket”. You may have felt you missed this, after two boring draws and a ten-wicket loss, but perhaps Root was just showing off his full range of linguistic shots. After all, England’s strike at Grenada was dazzlingly, blindingly – you might say brilliantly – bad. “I think we’ve shown what we’re capable of as a band,” Root added, which might not have been that far from the truth.
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