I wish that all you fathers out there have a great Father’s Day.
Father’s Day is a day of mixed, and sometimes extreme, emotions for me.
I didn’t have a father. I did have someone that impregnated my mother, that brought home a nice paycheck every week, and provided a number of material goods. But I doubt we spent more than a total of three hours talking to each other over the entire course of my life. He never taught me to throw a baseball or football. He never took me camping or taught me how to fish. While he bought me a new car for my high school graduation he never simply asked me how my day was. I had no father.
Many years later I met my gentle bride. She had three children from a previous marriage. During our dating I had two jobs to accomplish: impress my future bride, and take on the role of father for a ready-made family. The agreement would be that I would not marry her unless the children also wanted me in their lives. It took 18 months but all five of us became a family 13 years ago.
There had been great evil, abuse, and eventually restraining orders regarding her first husband. The children had an ogre, not a father. Even the courts would not let him around them. They were damaged and needing of a real father in their lives, and I needed to show them what a real father is.
I have never called them my step-children, and I quickly correct anyone that does. I decided from the first day that we would not become a mixed family, one of step-children and step-parents, but one of true love and acceptance. They have always been allowed to call me anything they preferred, and to introduce me in any way they felt comfortable. I was not going to impose myself on them.
The oldest girl accepted me right away. The middle child, the son, took more time. He was very unsure about another man coming into their lives. The youngest girl was almost out of high school before she finally let her guard down.
Today it still hurts, when filling out formal legal documents, I have to list them as step-children. I don’t consider them step-anything, but rather my own real children. I have never been one to believe that “blood is everything”. I believe that a family is what you make, not what you’re born with.
So have I succeeded? Not as well as I should have, but far better than my own father did. Maybe I’ve made a positive impact on my children; they have certainly made an incredible positive impact on my life. If I had to do it all over – I’d do it again.
So to all you fathers out there: congratulations on being a father. Don’t waste this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Treat your children with respect. Treat them the same way you want to be treated. Don’t give them everything they want just to shut them up. Discipline them. Lead by example. They’re depending on you more than you can imagine.
For those that had bad, or non-existant, fathers: remember your hurt, and resolve to make your children’s lives different. Be a different parent yourself. Stop the madness and pain.
For those that are not a father just yet: being a father is more than getting a new job and buying a new house and buying a new car and getting married all combined. It will be the most important job you have ever undertaken, and something that should not be taken lightly. If you are not fully ready to spend the rest of your life being a good and faithful father, then don’t be one. Period. It is far better for you to be eternally childless than to be a bad father for a single day.
To my children: I apologize for all the mistakes I’ve made, and I’ll make more. But I thank you for giving me the opportunity to be your father. Trust me when I say that you’ve given me far more than I could ever give you.
