Common Folk Using Common Sense

While sauntering through the wisdom over at MY Vast Right Wing Conspiracy (a great daily read, by the way) I came across this pleading from hostess Beth:

Help!!!

Father’s Day is coming up and I have no idea what to get for my Dad!

Golf balls, already done. Golf/polo shirts, already done. Ties, bleh. Books–impossible to decide what books to buy for him. All the golf shit and tools and the other typical Father’s Day stuff the stores push won’t cut it.

I need to buy something DIFFERENT, something for someone who can just go buy whatever it is he wants anyway.

So tell me, what’s the best Father’s Day gift you’ve ever gotten? And don’t tell me “my kids” or something like that, I need something I can buy. Spark my imagination.

- Beth

WHAT IN THE BLUE BLAZES IS SO DIFFICULT ABOUT BUYING A GIFT FOR YOUR FATHER? We’re the absolute easiest creatures to please. You’re over-thinking it, ladies.

Oh, and by the way: this year Father’s Day is Sunday, June 18, 2006.

So I responded thusly:

I’m a dad of three, a grandpa of one, so here are my thoughts:

1. A gift card for Lowe’s/Home Depot. A man can never own enough tools. Only he knows what he wants or needs, so please don’t attempt to buy him one yourself. Those places are like Toys-R-Us for men over 30.
2. Leave him alone with the remote control and the living room. Allow him, with no grunting, to watch any movie he wants in complete peace. Such occasions only happen a few times in a man’s life, and there’s no better day than Father’s Day.
3. Take him to lunch. Something he likes, not something you think he will like. Even if it’s the $4.95 all-you-can-eat buffet at the local greasy spoon cafe. Men love food.
4. Never underestimate the power of a Hooters calendar. It doesn’t really matter what year.
5. A bottle of a fine single malt scotch. Not the cheap blends out of Canada. The Glenlivet, Oban, Laphroaig, Talisker. And a good lead crystal highball glass for it.

Others responding to Beth included the following (with my comments in parentheses):

A subscription to National Review (Nah, we really don’t like to read much. That’s why the Hooters calendars has nothing but pictures.) A set of horseshoes for the backyard (Nah, horseshoes demand there to be two players. Most of the time we’d rather have some quiet time alone with our thoughts.) Red Lobster. Go with giving him a chance to spend time with you and his granddaughter. Take him someplace nice, someplace he really enjoys. Let him get an extra appetizer and a nice something for dessert. (NOW you’re talking! You can never go wrong with good food.) Tickets to his favorite sports team. (I’m not a huge sports fan, but if ANYONE got me even a single ticket to a University of Georgia home game I’d be in Heaven.) Make him a video telling him all the good memories you have growing up with him as a dad. (Great idea, but ONLY UNDER ONE CONDITION – that he be allowed to view it when there is no one in the house but him. We men hate to be seen crying.) Or provide him the top ten reasons he’s your hero. (See above.) Get him a manly tool. (no, No, NO! I don’t care if he, just yesterday, claimed that he couldn’t live another day without an “x”, do not buy him a tool. It takes half of the enjoyment away. Buy him a gift card and allow him to buy it himself. There is an under-appreciated glow that occurs when a man enters Home Depot knowing that he gets to leave the store with a new toy.)

Anyone else have some thoughts? I’m already getting hammered with “What do you want for Father’s Day” questions, and I irritate them by answering,”Oh, nuthin’.” The truth is that I want a good many things – what I don’t want is for my children to spend their hard-earned money on worthless ‘ole me.

I -did- notice that “Lethal Weapon 2″, “The Mummy”, “Alien Apocalypse”, “Sabretooth”, “Jurassic Park”, “Dr. No”, and “Blade” are all on DirecTV Father’s Day. Any of those, a few wee drams of The Glenlivet, and a HUSKY Heavy-Duty X-Sawhorse would make a wonderful day.

Dad, gift, Father’s Day

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